Judith Herb College of Arts, Social Sciences and Education

NARRATOR: And up until a few weeks ago, this now eleven-year-old boy had only the regular problems of a child in 1991.

WAYNE HOPKINS: Aw, man.

 

(Wayne takes the game cartridge out of the Gameboy and blows into it. An owl flies overhead screeching. Is it a real owl? Is it something representing an owl? You decide. It drops a letter to the ground. Wayne picks it up and begins to read.)

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: Um…Uncle Dave? A bird flew into our living room and dropped a piece of paper that says I’m a wizard and need to go to school in England?!

UNCLE DAVE (O.S.): …What kinda bird?

WAYNE HOPKINS: An owl, I think?

 

(Uncle Dave enters in a hurry, zipping up his pants.)

 

UNCLE DAVE: Oh my Gawd! I forgot to tell you. Yer a Wizard, Wayne!

…Also, wizards exist! …And you are one. Just like yer British parents. Oh shit! Yer parents were British! Wow. We gotta talk more. Come on, I’ll drive ya to the airport.

NARRATOR: And before he knew it, after a confusing train station experience…

 

(Numbered train platform signs appear. A “nine” and a “ten” should do. Wayne looks confused as to what to do next. He eventually makes his way through the wall, or alternatively runs headfirst into it. He then makes his way to magic school, however you might like to visualize or imagine that.)

 

NARRATOR: Wayne found himself at the gates of a certain school of female magic and male magic. Where he would spend the next seven years. Tonight! We will be taking an incredibly in-depth look at those seven years. Over the next five hours split into two parts –

 

(Lights come up around the theater. The Narrator looks towards the technical booth in a slight moment of panic.)

 

NARRATOR: What?! 110-ish minutes? Oh.

 

(Lights return to normal.)

 

NARRATOR: Tonight! We will take…a look at those seven years. Seven years that were, in one word, eventful. It begins as these stories tend to begin…WITH A SORTING!

WAYNE HOPKINS: Question. Hypothetical. What if I don’t have enough of a personality for the magic talking hat to sort me? Like…how much authority does this hat really have? Never mind. …This place is crazy huh? I never thought I’d go to school in a castle. Pretty cool. I’ve never really liked school. People were mean. To me. I’m talking too much. You probably have all your own nervous thoughts going on… Can I tell you something? I think I might be…special? I watch a lot of movies and read lots of books, and it’s like: a normal boy finds out he actually has amazing abilities and is swept away to a new, magical world? Does that sound familiar? Because that is now my ACTUAL life. And THAT kid, through some incredible circumstances always becomes like the most important person. Like in the whole world. A sort of…Chosen One. AHH! Magic is real, and this orphaned boy wizard is ready for seven years of amazing adventures!

MEGAN JONES: So, you followed me, Hopkins? Spying on me? Trying to learn my dark evil secrets?

OLIVER RIVERS: No, uh, we were just, uh, trying to find you.

WAYNE HOPKINS: To protect you from the troll. And to make sure you don’t lose any more points.

 

(Megan magics their hands together.)

 

MEGAN JONES: Do I look like I need protecting? From the two of you? Wait. A troll?

Where? I want it. As a pet.

A FAT FRIAR: Megan, this is why you don’t have any friends.

MEGAN JONES: Shut up, fatty.

A FAT FRIAR: Self-esteem.

MEGAN JONES: These two are going to get what they deserve. Hm. What would my mom do in a situation like this? I think she’d torture you! Prepare to meet your doom!

 

(Megan raises her wand to strike. Oliver screams.)

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: Wait! Wait! What if instead of torturing us, we all just hung out? Like friends?

OLIVER RIVERS: *We’ll what?

MEGAN JONES: *Excuse me?

A FAT FRIAR: Yeaaaaah! Go for it!

WAYNE HOPKINS: Look, we’re all kind of the worst people at this school. Why not be the worst together? Megan shouldn’t have to be alone just because her mom was evil. And hey, I think it’s cool that you hang out with Mr. Friar.

A FAT FRIAR: Heeeey, Mr. Friar. I like it!

WAYNE HOPKINS: Right, Oliver?

OLIVER RIVERS: Yeah. We can all hang out. Fat Friar too.

A FAT FRIAR: Awwww. My self-esteeeem!

 

(A Fat Friar exits, his self-esteem hurt.)

 

MEGAN JONES: You promise this isn’t a joke?

WAYNE HOPKINS: I promise. Us Puffs have to stick together.

MEGAN JONES: I’m not a Puff. The hat got it wrong. I’m the most not-Puffiest person

you’ll ever meet. Got it?

 

(She points her wand in Wayne’s face.)

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: Got it.

 

(She points it at Oliver.)

 

OLIVER RIVERS: Got it.
WAYNE HOPKINS: Now how about letting us go?

MEGAN JONES: …I guess.

 

(Megan hesitates for a moment. Sheu unties them using magic. She then uses her wand in a knighting-like fashion on the following)

 

MEGAN JONES: I dub thee friends. …Is that how this works? I don’t really have…friends.

OLIVER RIVERS: Sure.

WAYNE HOPKINS: Great. Glad we’ve settled that, we should probably get out of here? If we’re caught, we will lose so many points.

WAYNE HOPKINS: Meggaaaaan? You alright?

MEGAN JONES: I never wanted to be a Puff. Every member of my family? Puffs. We’re like THE Puff family. But I’ve always known that I was different. There’s nothing even special about Puffs. Loyalty? Being really nice? A bunch of lame, awful failures doomed to be stupid walking personality-less nobodies that no one will ever care about ever? Ugh. My mom was a Puff. But she was different. She became something bigger. She made the name Jones finally mean something other than a bunch of…Puffs. I thought…I knew…I would be different too. But…after all my hard work to make myself not a Puff, what do you know? The hat puts me with the Puffs. I did everything. I mean, I even changed my accent just so I wouldn’t sound like my Puff family.

WAYNE & OLIVER: Ohhhhhh.

MEGAN JONES: It’s not fair.

OLIVER RIVERS: Well, I for one am happy you were not kidnapped by a mass murderer. Or “rescued.”

WAYNE HOPKINS: And, I’d like to think you’ve met at least two Puffs who are…kind of okay?

 

(Wayne and Oliver do an “Eh?” gesture.)

 

MEGAN JONES: Ha. Maybe. I guess. Sorry to bring the mood down. Sorry to make things so…Sirius. She’s not coming here. Ever. I feel the need to hug. Don’t tell anyone.

 

(Megan hugs Oliver.)

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: I’m coming in…

 

(Wayne joins the hug. Leanne wakes up and runs to join the hug too.)

CEDRIC: Hi, Wayne!

WAYNE HOPKINS: Uh, hi. So. I’ve been staying up all night, not all night, but all night, and sort of reading up on past tournaments to figure out what sort of creatures they might throw at you for the First Task.

CEDRIC: I definitely won’t say no to help. Give ma few of them.

 

(Wayne opens his notebook. Each “creature” has an associated page that we see with a drawing and writings about it.)

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: Okay! So, uh, in 1972 they had to catch cockatrices. What would you do?

CEDRIC: Hm. I would…use magic! Aviafors!

 

(A bird appears in Wayne’s hand. He screams in surprise and throws it off stage.)

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: You’re not wrong. How about an angry Vila?

CEDRIC: Walk up to her. Gently move a strand of hair behind her ear. Take her hand. And show her just why they call me Diggory. Then use magic. Cheerio!

 

(Hannah, Leanne, and J. Finch have popped their heads out again during Cedric’s sensual line. They pass out after “Diggory” and are relieved upon use of this spell. Happy, they exit.)

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: Awesome.

CEDRIC: Aviafors!

 

(Another bird appears in Wayne’s hands. He throws it off stage.)

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: Oh…Awe…some? Ok, um, I should also add that I don’t completely know a lot about fantastical beasts, or even where one might find them. So, I threw in some crazy things that might exist. Like a Balrog!

 

(He flips to a page with a Balrog. Cedric does not know what this is.)

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: Or, ooh! Beholders. Not real? Darn. Or… *Mr. Snuffalupagus?

 

(Whatever this may be, Wayne is a little embarrassed and confused as to why he added it.)

 

CEDRIC: Hey. Can I see that?

(Cedric flips through the book. It is upside down.)

 

CEDRIC: Wow. This is really in depth. What ancient language is this?

 

(Wayne moves it right side up.)

 

CEDRIC: Oh. I see. Modern English. Right. Do you mind if I hang on to this?

 

(Cedric turns to a page with another pop culture creature on it and holds it in just such a way that we can see it. Perhaps it is a Dalek. Perhaps it is anything else that will get the wonderful nerds excited.)

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: Please. Definitely. Thanks for letting me help you!

CEDRIC: Thank me? Thank you! Aviafors!

 

(One more bird appears. Over it, Wayne throws it off stage.)

 

CEDRIC: If I manage to win this thing, I’m telling everyone it was because of your help.

WAYNE HOPKINS: I…cool.

 

(Harry enters in a tizzy and runs past Wayne.)

 

HARRY: Excuse me. Cedric. CEDRIC!! Dragons! It’s dragons. Anything else you’ve

prepared for, forget it. Dragons!

 

(Harry closes the notebook for Cedric and exits in a panic.)

 

CEDRIC: Thanks! Hey, you all should probably stop wearing those badges. Harry, wait up! I told them to stop wearing the badges!

 

(Cedric chases after Harry.)

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: Dragons are on page 256! They eat dogs if that helps?

 

(Professor McG enters. In her hands are three sad birds, who never asked to exist.)

 

PROFESSOR McG: Who is throwing all of these birds?!

WAYNE HOPKINS: I better get a good seat.

 

(Wayne runs off.)

MR. BAGMAN: Microphonus.

 

(He pulls out a microphone.)

 

MR. BAGMAN: Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the 1994 THREE WIZARD TOURNAMENT!

Now. Are. You. READY?! Then let’s hear it for your first champion…

 

(Epic entrance music.)

 

MR. BAGMAN: Weighing in at 12 1/4 inches, with the hair of a unicorn. Hailing from the quaint town of St. Catchpole. He’s a prefect in the streets. He’s a seeker in the sheets. Put your hands together for this sixth year…MR DIGGORY!

 

(Cedric enters. All cheer.)

 

MR. BAGMAN Cedric! You must obtain the golden egg on the field. But in order to do so, first: you’ll have to get past this highly dangerous DRAGON!

 

(Entrance music fit for a ‘90’s WWF wrestler. The Dragon enters. All boo. The Dragon, ever the heel, taunts the audience. A wrestling bell dings.)

CEDRIC: All right. Tub! Egg! Tell me your secrets.

 

(He opens the egg. It just screams more. The screams attract the attention of a young ghost girl.)

 

MYRTLE: Waaaaah! Waaaaaah! Stop that dreadful…oh. Hello. Helllooo!

CEDRIC: Uh. Hi. My name’s Cedric. You’re Myrtle, right?

MYRTLE: Hehehe, you know who I am?

CEDRIC: Say, you wouldn’t have any ideas how to make this egg tell me its secrets? I was told a bath would help.

MYRTLE: Who told you that?

CEDRIC: This guy named Wayne. You know how sometimes you just meet someone and you can tell they’re going to be great? That’s Wayne. Loyal to a tee. A real Puff.

MYRTLE: Oh.

CEDRIC: I mean that in a good way.

MYRTLE: Ohhhh! Well, enough about him. Let’s just talk about us. Here. Alone. Myrtle

lonely, Cedric. Myrtle wants to moan.

CEDRIC: I’m going to go underwater now! Bye!

 

(Cedric ducks down, and the stage is illuminated in blue. We’re all underwater now. The bathroom sings a song.)

 

BATHROOM: MERMAIDS. STEAL YOUR FRIENDS. …MERMAIDS!

 

(Cedric resurfaces.)

 

CEDRIC: I get it now. *Dragons, again!

MYRTLE: *Mermaids!

CEDRIC: …Mermaids! Yes. Thanks, Myrtle!

MYRTLE: Anything for you, Cedric. You’re so cool.

CEDRIC: Thanks. Bye, bathtub!

BATHROOM: Bye, Cedric!

 

(Cedric exits.)

 

MYRTLE: Goodbye, Cedric. Think of me every time you see a toilet. Waaaaaahhhhhhhh!

HANNAH: Now. Me and Ernie here are prefects this year. Our number one rule is: “no being too sad.”

ERNIE MAC: yeah

 

(They unfurl a small “no being too sad” banner.)

 

HANNAH: How was everyone’s summer?

SUSIE BONES: My aunt and I stared at the door waiting. Waiting for the Dark Lord to arrive. To kill my aunt. To kill me. Death waits. IT STALKS ME!

 

(She cries. A sad moment. Leanne cries too.)

 

LEANNE: I went to a water park.

J. FINCH: I’m just happy to be here with all of you. My friends. Feelings:

PUFFS: J. FINCH APPROVED!

 

(The Puffs all hug in one big Puff hug. Wayne enters, Adult Butter Beverage in hand. It is not his first one today. He is quite disheveled, quite butterbuzzed, and quite angsty.)

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: HEY! STOP HUGGING. “Welcome back, everybody.”

PUFFS: Hiiii!

WAYNE HOPKINS: Hi—shut up! Just thought I’d offer some words of wisdom to all the new Puffs joining us. GUESS WHAT? WE SUCK. We’re the Puffs. We’re just here to de. There’s no Chosen Puff hiding among us. And if there was. THEY’D PROBABLY JUST DIE. So…enjoy your short, meaningless lives.

 

(Wayne storms off with angst. After a moment of everyone standing confused, unsure what to do with this angst, Wayne re-enters.)

 

WAYNE HOPKIINS: Oh! Oh. Also, apparently we don’t have to wear uniforms anymore.

You can just wear regular clothes. So. Enjoy it while you can.

MISTER VOLDY: Is this thing on? Your efforts are futile. I do not want to kill you. Give me Potter. And you shall be rewarded. You have until Midnight…night…night…night.

 

(A moment of silence. Mister Voldy turns to the audience, continuing to talk into the megaphone.)

 

MISTER VOLDY: That went well, I think. Hmm. So, we’ve got until midnight. Anyone bring any board games? Or snacks. What do you mean I’m still talking into the megaphone? What? Oh! Bring me Harry…Harry. Harry…Okay. The megaphone is now definitely off.

 

(Then Mister Voldy has SEVERAL OPTIONS. PLEASE CHOOSE ONE)

 

MISTER VOLDY:

(OPTION 1): You ever feel like a piece of yourself is missing? I feel like that. Like six or so pieces from right in here are just gone. I can’t tell if I’m depressed or my lunch hasn’t settled or—ohhhh. I just put something together. What? The megaphone is still on? Really? Oh my. I am just having a day, aren’t I? YAH! Harry!

 

(OPTION 2): Hmmm. Now’s as good a time as any to break out my…tight five. Say…have you ever noticed the differences between wizards and witches? Hmm. Tough crowd. That’s a “no” on that one. Say—British food. What’s the deal with that, huh? It’s just so…British. Say. What do all of my enemies have in common? They’re all dead. Thank you, that’s been my—what? The megaphone is still on? Really? Oh my, I am having a day, aren’t I? YAH! Harry!

 

(OPTION 3): Okay, just a gentle reminder that if I appear to pass out. Don’t touch me. Just leave me. I’m fine. Nothing is wrong…I’m just taking a nap. I suddenly got tired and took a nap, right there. I’m not dying—nor is my inability to die at risk—in fact, forget I mentioned this. I want everyone to forget this. What? The megaphone is still on? Really? Oh my, I am having a day, aren’t I? YAH! Harry!

 

(OPTION 4): Now seems like a good time to discuss our plan for what we do AFTER we take over the world of wizards. Let’s go over what we’ve got, write it down if you brought a quill or pencil. Step one: take over. Step two: Hm. Oh. Nothing. We have nothing planned past that. Anyone have ideas? We can throw a dance or two maybe? Put on my boogie shoes. What? The megaphone is still on? Really? Oh my, I am having a day, aren’t I? YAH! Harry!

 

(OPTION 5): Would anyone like to see some photos from my recent trip to Austria? I killed an old man who was imprisoned. Hahahaha ahhhh. Good times. Fun times. What? The megaphone is still on? Really? Oh my, I am having a day, aren’t I? YAH! Harry!

 

(OPTION 6): Hey! No touching my snake! Don’t even think about touching my snake. You look like you’re thinking about touching it. Well, don’t. Don’t even look at it. That’s my snake. What? The megaphone is still on? Really? Oh my, I am having a day, aren’t I? YAH! Harry!

 

(OPTION 7): So. Since we’re on the verge of our victory to be remembered for all dark ages to come, pats on the back by the way, I’ve been working on some fun one liners to say when we vanquish our great teenage enemy, Potter. Maybe I can try some out, so you can see how fun they are—eh hem. “Boy who lived? How about the boy who’s dead now? HA!” “Nice second scar—the one that’s on your whole body—since I killed you.” “Mother’s love your way out of that!” Or my favorite—“Loser says Avada what—” he says “What” – “KEDABRA!” –then he dies. What? The megaphone is still on? Really? Oh my, I am having a day, aren’t I? YAH! Harry!

 

(OPTION 8): I’m going to ask an uncomfortable question right now. I ask for an honest response. Where are my shoes? I’ve been back three years, and three years—barefooted. No one has offered me a pair of sneakers, or some lounge loafers. Wingtips. At first, I thought oh—maybe this is the fashion—but quickly learned—no—that’s not it. One year later, my little piggies are still out for all to see—it became about the principle of the matter—I’m the Dark Lord. Surely someone will offer me some shoes. Or at least ask if I’m comfortable. But now: we are in the woods. We’ve spent a whole evening outdoors. My feet are wet—I’ve stepped on several pointy rocks—I may need a tetanus shot. So, no. I am not comfortable. So where are my—what? The megaphone is still on? Really? Oh my, I am having a day, aren’t I? YAH! Harry!

 

(OPTION 9): So. Who’s up for some Pilates? Ever since I got this new body—everyone’s asked how I keep things in such thin shape whilst eating whatever I want. The answer: Pilates. Can’t get enough of it. I. The Dark Lord. Love Pilates. My favorite thing about Pilates is that it’s building strength and endurance in the whole entire body. I warn you, though – Pilates is not for everyone. But it is for me. I bet if I had done some Pilates before that night seventeen years ago this would be a very different—what? The megaphone is still on? Really? Oh my, I am having a day, aren’t I? YAH! Harry!

LEANNE: No! I don’t want to leave. Why is everyone always so down on us? I won’t stand for it anymore. And I won’t sit for it either. And I also won’t stand on one leg because I can’t. Watch. Anyways. Look at your hand! You have a wand!

 

(Everyone looks at the hand that in fact does not have a wand in it.)

 

LEANNE: Unless you looked at your other hand. Look at yourselves! Hannah. You used to be so awkward. And you still are, but we don’t mind anymore. Who’s that? It’s Ernie Mac. And he is basically the best. And Sally. Remember that time you did that thing?

 

LEANNE: It was amazing! Susie! We all thought you’d be dead by now. But look at you, standing there, alive. Wayne. You give the best hugs. Megan! You give better hugs than you think you do. And J. Finch. He’s imaginary, AND HE CAN DO MAGIC! We all can. We’re wizards. So, sure. It would be easy to leave. But wouldn’t it be wrong? We should do what’s right. Like Cedric. I’m a Puff and I’m staying because if we don’t fight now we may never find out how that hat talks!

Scene: A Very White Room

 

Lights up on a bright white room. The Second Headmaster stands waiting. Wayne jumps up, terrified and confused.

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: AHHHHHHH! What? Where? Where am I?

 

(The Second Headmaster turns and is surprised to find this other student here.)

 

SECOND HEADMASTER: …You—are not Harry. Umm…I want to say Wayne?

WAYNE HOPKINS: Headmaster? But you’re…am I?

SECOND HEADMASTER: I’m afraid that must be the case.

WAYNE HOPKINS: Oh.

 

(Wayne tries to let this sink in. He looks around.)

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: Where are we?

SECOND HEADMASTER: To be honest I’m not sure. It’s more of a thing for Harry.

WAYNE HOPKINS: Of course it is. Headmaster…this…this seems really unfair. I just watched my friends die. And now me? What was the point? I won’t be remembered for anything. No one will know my name. I’m just some…unnamed dead kid in a school battle. Potter’s battle. He gets to be the hero. He gets to be everything I ever wanted. Why did I have to be so…unimportant?

SECOND HEADMASTER: Wayne it is very easy to feel like you’re only a secondary character in someone else’s grand story. That does not mean, however, there isn’t another story out there that’s all about you. The one where you’re the most important person in the world. The hero. We’re all important, Wayne. And we’re all unimportant. We’re all heroes. In some way. To someone. And as for your story? I think it was pretty cool.

WAYNE HOPKINS: So…there’s not some big surprise and I’ll open my eyes right where I

died?

SECOND HEADMASTER: I’m afraid not.

WAYNE HOPKINS: But I was finally good at magic.

SECOND HEADMASTER: There’s only one magic we ever really need, Wayne. A magic

that will let you live on. The greatest magic there is. Love. And on that note. I really hate to do this but…I am expecting someone…and so…uh…

WAYNE HOPKINS: Oh. …Yeah.

 

(Wayne starts to exit. He turns.)

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: Headmaster. Just one more thing. Did I really spend seven years at wizard school to find out that you believe love is the greatest magic there is?

SECOND HEADMASTER: …Yes…see for yourself.

 

(The Second Headmaster motions to Wayne. Checking his pockets, Wayne finds the special Puff item he and his fellow classmates were given after being sorted way back in year one. He holds it tight and lightly smiles.)

 

WAYNE HOPKINS: …Okay.