Change Agenda
Often, when we see our partners’ behaviors as bad or our partners as flawed, we try desperately to find ways to improve the situation. Unfortunately, these perceptions often lead to the problematic conclusion that the only way to solve the conflict is by changing our partner’s behavior. We can call this unhelpful perception the “change agenda.” The perception is that if our partner changes their behaviors or certain things about themselves, then the relationship conflict will improve, because their behaviors or something about them is “is problem.” It seems simple, right? But what happens when we try to change someone, or tell them that their way of being or thinking is wrong or deficient? Usually people resist being changed and become defensive about the idea of being bad. Wouldn’t you?
From this change agenda, we assume our partners’ behavior is the source of the relationship conflict. It is an understandable reaction to blame our partners, because, after all, if they would just stop doing that annoying thing then the problem would resolve. But, seeing the problem in this way is likely to lead to less tolerance for your partner, less willingness to be accommodating, and a greater likelihood of relationship loss. And, if your partner believes that you see their behavior as the “problem,” they are likely to feel defensive, hurt, or lots of other things, leading to an increase in conflict.
Another problematic perception that arises from this change agenda is the belief that something in our partner’s character is “wrong,” and causes them to act certain ways. We may label them as “bad,” “inadequate” or something else. For example, they are crazy, afraid to be intimate, they do not measure up, or are unable to love or communicate.
In our example before, Alex may start to see Sam as “too” frivolous in their decision-making and as having “bad” judgment. She believes that Sam is “irresponsible and impulsive” and should really start to make better decisions. Alex then feels greater irritability and disdain for Sam’s choices. Sam, feeling defensive, may begin to distance themself from Alex. In our example, Alex tells Sam that she is not sure the friendship can continue unless Sam becomes more responsible and “gets it together.” Sam responds, “Nothing is wrong with me! You need to be less uptight and rigid for me to continue this friendship!”
When both partners have unhelpful perceptions about their differences, they end up feeling more different than they actually are. Alex becomes defined by her rigidity, and Sam becomes defined by their impulsivity. The differences that were once tolerable or even attractive about our partners feel unacceptable, intolerable, and bad. The partners can become entrenched in their opposed positions and stuck in conflict. “You change!” “No! YOU change!” Can you relate to this scenario?
So, the unhelpful perceptions that our partner’s “bad” behavior has to change for the relationship to improve ultimately lead to more conflict in relationships.
Now, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have reactions to our partner’s behaviors. Of course we might! However, it’s important to realize that the perception that problems are solely a result of your partner’s behaviors can, and does, negatively impact relationships.