Communication Styles
While our culture plays a role in the ways that we communicate, there are several common types of communication that people often use. As we're talking about these, remember that we're not saying that someone always uses one type of communication. You might find that different situations and circumstances are more likely to lead to different types of communication. However, you might notice that you tend to use one type of communication more than others.
Let's explore different types of communication: here is a handout that breaks down each of these types of communication; you can look at this as we describe each type of communication.
Passive Communication
The first is "passive" communication. In this type of communication, someone avoids expressing their opinions, needs, or values. Often, the person prioritizes the needs, values, and opinions of others over their own. So, for example, a passive communicator won't tell their partner that they were hurt when their partner broke a promise, because they are concerned that expressing their feelings might hurt their partner or they may hope that their partner can tell what they are feeling without them saying it. In this style, frustrations tend to build, sometimes resulting in outbursts over time.
Passive communication is like a pressure cooker. Frustration and hurt (the pressure) builds and builds. Without release of some of the frustration, the pressure boils over, leading them to explode. After these explosions, they can feel really guilty, often causing them to avoid expressing themselves all over again, repeating the cycle.
Aggressive Communication
Conversely, "aggressive" communicators are very comfortable expressing their needs, values, and opinions. Often times, they might struggle to see the needs, values, and opinions of others. For example, if an aggressive communicator was upset because their partner broke a promise, they might yell, blame, or criticize them and interrupt their partner when they attempt to speak. This kind of communication can also include different types of abuse (verbal, physical, sexual, etc.).
Imagine aggressive communication to be like a raging fire. Aggression (the fire) spreads and takes over everything in its path, even if that means hurting others, kind of like a raging fire may destroy homes or surrounding nature when it spreads.
Passive-Aggressive Communication
Another style is "passive-aggressive" communication. You may notice that this style of communication is not listed on the above chart. This is because, as the name implies, this style combines passive and aggressive traits. In this style, the communicator appears passive, but communicates in subtle or indirect ways that show anger. For example, if their partner broke a promise, a passive-aggressive communicator might feel angry but tell their partner that they aren't angry. In the meantime, they might act sarcastically towards their partner or conveniently "forget" to respond to their partner's text messages. Typically, when someone uses this type of communication, they may be feeling resentful or stuck but uncomfortable expressing their feelings directly, so it comes out in other ways.
Assertive Communication
Finally, there's “assertive” communication. This communication style, like aggressive communication, involves being able to express your values, needs, and desires. Unlike aggressive communication, though, assertive communication respects the values and needs of the other person. If an assertive communicator were hurt by their partner breaking a promise, they might calmly tell them, "I felt hurt when you broke your promise and would like for you to keep promises in the future." They would also be open to hearing their partner's perspective and having a conversation about it. When someone is assertive, they do not have the expectation that they will always get what they want. Instead, the value in assertive communication is making your needs and desires known in a clear way while respecting input from others.
Styles of Communication in Practice
Okay, now that we have an idea of what these types of communication look like, let’s take a look at an example here.
If you were on the receiving end, how might you feel with each type of response? Would you feel more or less connected to the person speaking? Conversely, if you were on the speaking end, how might you feel? Would you feel more or less connected to the person on the receiving end? Go ahead and write your answers in the blank boxes provided at the bottom of the worksheet. If you have a hard time identifying how you might feel, review the feelings wheel here to help you out.
As we can see from this example, different forms of communication can impact the level of connection that we feel towards one another and our responses!
While we generally encourage assertive communication, it does not mean that the other types of communication are not needed at certain times. For instance, if you are faced with someone whom is extremely aggressive, it might be more challenging or potentially unsafe to be assertive. Passive communication might be a better way to communicate until you can get to a safer situation.
We also want to acknowledge that being assertive doesn't mean that we won't experience strong emotions, like anger. We will talk more about emotions later but for now we want to acknowledge that our strong feelings can be really helpful! Emotions can give us important information about our experiences, which may help us recognize our needs, goals, and desires. Also, even when having strong emotions, we can choose how we express these emotions, whether we choose to give someone the silent treatment, share our feelings, or yell. These reactions can impact connection, as we saw in our worksheet.
Finally, we can see that different communication styles can impact others in various ways. We can’t control how our partner feels but we can definitely choose a communication style that has a greater chance of being effective in a given situation.