Identifying Your Boundaries
As we mentioned, all relationships come with conflict, which we can't avoid, but we can find ways to manage. Establishing relationships, in some ways, means determining which set of problems we are okay dealing with on a regular basis. This brings us to the idea of boundaries. Boundaries are essentially the things that we are willing to accept and not willing to accept. They are our personal limits. Boundaries come up in lots of different areas, like what we're okay with physically, including things like hugging or how we like our personal space to be kept. It may also be what we're sexually okay with or what we are okay with emotionally. Our boundaries come up a lot when we are making or sustaining relationships. After all, we often need to consider what we are okay with physically, sexually, and emotionally in our relationships!
People's boundaries can vary quite a bit for lots of different reasons, from cultural expectations to family upbringing or personality. And, you might notice that people's boundaries might change from situation to situation. For instance, you might be perfectly fine with your sibling going through your closet to borrow clothes but get really upset if the person across the hall that you barely know tries to!
Identifying our boundaries is an important part of developing and maintaining relationships. Think of boundaries like a "no trespassing" sign. Those signs tell you just how far you can go and what is off-limits. Boundaries work the same way, telling us what is okay in our relationships and what is off limits or unacceptable. When we notice that someone is not respecting our boundaries, or if we don't follow our own boundaries, we may notice that something isn't quite working. We may feel taken advantage of, frustrated, disconnected, or confused. So it's easy to see why boundaries are so important. The really good news is that when you identified the characteristics of healthy relationships and your values in session one, you likely already started to consider or form your boundaries!
As we mentioned, different people can have widely different boundaries. Some folks have really open boundaries, which may make it easier to depend on others but harder to set limits with others. Some folks have really rigid boundaries, which can make it easier to have a sense of independence but make it more challenging to get close to others. Establishing healthy boundaries involves finding a balance of being open to others while setting limits that leave you feeling secure.
Now, we aren't here to say that your boundaries have to "look" a certain way. However, we do want to acknowledge that boundaries are an important part of establishing healthy relationships and they give us excellent information about what may be healthy or unhealthy. Let's take a moment to begin identifying your boundaries by completing the worksheet here.