Relationship Conflict
When relationships first form, including with classmates, significant others, friends, or any other relationship, many of us go through what is called a “honeymoon phase” where we idealize our partners. Early on, we tend to have high tolerance and even appreciation for the differences between us and our partners, and we may present the best sides of our selves behaviorally and emotionally (maybe we are less reactive or moody; maybe more understanding, agreeable, and fun). But over time, differences between partners can cause frustration and conflict. We may see these differences as intolerable or bad. And, out of frustration or other emotions, we may act in ways towards our partners that lead to more conflict, power struggles, less overall satisfaction, and more emotional pain in relationships.
Let’s look at an example. Let’s say Alex is someone who is conscientious, thoughtful, and who makes decisions carefully. She meets Sam, who is carefree and spontaneous. At first, Alex is really excited by this friendship because she is often encouraged by Sam to do fun things that she has been avoiding, like talking to new people and going to new places. Because she is excited about the relationship, she really wants to put her best self forward. After a while, however, Alex starts to have some regrets, like spending too much money and not focusing on school as much. Sam’s carefree nature, which Alex initially found enjoyable, is now seen as frustrating because Alex feels it gets in the way of what else she feels is important.
Now, it’s important to know that some amount of conflict is a part of any healthy relationship. During moments of conflict, people may call it quits, thinking that the relationship was never good to begin with. Our goal is not to avoid conflict, but to understand the cause of the conflict, find ways to manage and heal from conflict, and use information gained to figure out if it makes sense to stay in the relationship or not.
While we may need to leave relationships that are unhealthy or abusive, sometimes people call it quits and give up a relationship that is not abusive and could be repaired. For those who continue their relationships, finding ways to effectively manage conflict can actually deepen intimacy and create lasting, meaningful companionships.
First, let’s take a look at some of what can cause conflict in relationships. Conflict can arise from several sources, including unhelpful perceptions about our incompatibilities, problematic ways of behaving during conflict, and poor management of our own emotional reactions.
Unhelpful Perceptions about Incompatibilities
One of the greatest causes of conflict in relationships are unhelpful perceptions about incompatibilities. Incompatibilities are conflicts between individuals due to differences in personality, interests, values, etc. All partners have differences that can lead to incompatibilities. No one is exactly the same, and often, these differences cause frustration at some point.
Importantly, how much our differences lead to incompatibilities and conflict largely depends on how we perceive and respond to these differences. So, it is not the differences themselves that cause the greatest conflict, but how we think about those differences. There are several key unhelpful perceptions that lead to conflict escalation, and we will talk about these major perceptions next.