Unhelpful Behavioral Reactions
When we are experiencing relationship conflict, we’re often desperate to find ways to resolve the situation. This might mean talking to the other person, ignoring the situation (hoping it gets better), leaving the relationship, or many other responses.
Unfortunately, if we’re experiencing the unhelpful perceptions mentioned above, it can lead to problematic behaviors as well. Some people may try to change their partner by making demands, criticisms, withdrawing, guilt, withholding something, or punishing them. While we won’t have time to highlight all the problematic behaviors that can come up in conflict, we do want to highlight four especially problematic behaviors. Eminent couple’s therapist John Gottman has named these the “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because these types of communication are common predictors of the end of a relationship. They are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Let’s describe them:
- Criticism is different than expressing a complaint. It implies telling someone that something is inherently wrong with them. So this might mean Alex telling Sam “You are so selfish! You never think of anything that I have going on!”
- Defensiveness takes an “innocent victim posture” with that person refusing to accept any feedback or perspective from another. This might look like Sam telling Alex “No way, I’m not the problem! You knew what I was like when we met! If you weren’t so uptight, things would be great!”
- Contempt is any statement or action, like eye rolling, that puts oneself on a higher plane than one’s partner (mockery is a form of contempt). If Sam was using contempt, they might say “Oh. What’s the matter? You can’t keep up with school and have fun at the same time? How pathetic!”
- Stonewalling is ignoring or leaving an interaction. This is not the same as taking a break from an argument. Instead, it might look like Alex ignoring Sam’s texts for days and giving them the “silent treatment” when they are in the same room.
Now, before you panic, we want to acknowledge that, with the exception of contempt, these behaviors are seen even in healthy relationships. That is, research shows that most of us do these problematic behaviors to some degree. But, in healthy relationships, these behaviors happen less often and are REPAIRED, or managed, more effectively. Of note, contempt is highly predictive of partnerships ending and is essentially non-existent in healthy relationships.
Click here to see the Four Horsemen compared to a non-problematic response, a complaint. We’d like you to think about a current important relationship in your life and consider which responses you and your partner use and how these different responses impact your relationship.