Managing Conflict: Problems as Vehicles to Intimacy
It's important to remember that unhelpful perceptions about incompatibilities, the use of problematic behaviors, and intense emotional reactions can come up in all relationships, impacting our levels of connection with our partners. So how can we navigate and manage them so that we can have long-lasting, meaningful relationships?
First, we encourage you to see problems as something that are inevitable in relationships and are opportunities for intimacy, rather than roadblocks. Again, the goal is not to solve or avoid the problem but to manage it well and to repair the emotional pain resulting from the conflict. If you can effectively manage conflict and repair any hurt feelings, you will have more affection, humor, lowered tension, and increased interest in your relationships.
Acceptance Rather than Change Agenda
One important way to manage conflict and reduce unhelpful perceptions of incompatibilities is to practice acceptance of your partner. Stop trying to change them! Acceptance means changing your reactions to your partner’s unwanted behavior. Let go of the idea that they need to change in order for the problem to go away. The problem's most likely not going away, remember?
If your partner genuinely feels accepted by you, they will be more likely to accept your feelings too. When both people feel accepted and safe, they are more willing to be vulnerable and intimate. Isn't that more desirable than power struggles and conflict? Of note, acceptance means honoring and seeing the value in your partners’ behaviors. It is not submissiveness, resignation or giving in where you grit your teeth and tolerate what you see as your partner's faults. It also doesn’t mean that we accept abuse from our partners.
In the example of Alex and Sam, they decide that they ultimately value their friendship. Alex starts to accept that Sam’s behavior comes from their unique personality. Sam is not necessarily “irresponsible” and “impulsive” but rather “carefree and spontaneous.” Alex realizes that she can enjoy these qualities of Sam even though she does not share them because they help Alex experience other positive things in life. Sam also realizes that Alex is not “rigid” and “uptight” but rather “conscientious” and “thoughtful.” Sam appreciates that Alex brings these qualities to the relationship because they help Sam focus on their goals.
Intellectual Analysis and Externalization of the Problem
Another way to manage conflict and unhelpful perceptions is to see the problem as a "common enemy", something external to the relationship rather than in your partner. The problem is not “you” or “I” but rather an “it.” Remember, relationship problems are expectable, understandable, and something that causes both partners pain. If you can emotionally detach and understand the problem together without blaming one another, you can then join forces against this common enemy and begin to analyze how to manage the problem together.
In Alex and Sam’s relationship, it might look like this: They realize that this difference between them is likely to create conflict at times throughout their relationship because, after all, they are only HUMAN! They start to talk about this difference and figure out what factors might make them more vulnerable to this difference creating conflict, like being tired, stressed, or communicating poorly. They feel closer as they work out this problem together.
Express Soft not Hard Emotions
Of course, intense emotions arise around relationship conflict. But which emotions you express can make a big difference in building intimacy, coming together around a problem, and resolving conflict. The expression of certain emotions can also prevent the use of problematic responses such as the Four Horsemen.
You can think of emotions as "soft" or "hard." Soft emotions include vulnerability, sadness, fear, doubt, uncertainty, danger, and disappointment. Hard emotions are anger, hostility, resentment, power and control around a conflict. Soft emotions generate empathy and acceptance from our partner and lead to closeness, whereas hard emotions imply blame and dominance and generally escalate conflict, as well as use of the Four Horsemen.
Let’s consider an example: Alex has just disappointed Sam because Alex couldn't go to an important event. Understandably, Sam is hurt and angry about Alex’s decision. Imagine that Sam expresses only their anger, maybe through raising their voice and saying, "How could you do this to me?! You don't even care about my feelings!?” Now, imagine how it would feel for Alex if Sam expresses sadness and vulnerability instead, saying, "It really hurt my feelings that you didn't come. I felt like our relationship was maybe not important to you. It made me afraid that you are not as invested in this friendship as I am." How might Alex react differently to the expression of hard anger versus soft sadness and vulnerability? Which one would leave her feeling more connected to Sam?
Click here to further explore what types of emotions you and your partners use and how these emotions impact the relationships. Take a few minutes to answer the questions at the bottom.
Managing Strong Emotional Reactions
But, sometimes strong emotions get the best of us and are difficult to control. And some of us are more prone to strong emotional reactions. Emotional regulation techniques like taking time outs during a fight to come out of fight or flight mode, and relaxation and mindfulness exercises can help you use the other techniques more effectively. Click here for a list of emotion regulation strategies. As you’re reviewing these, circle ones that you’d be willing to try when you feel strong emotions.
Tying Skills Together
In sum, ways to effectively manage conflict and create lasting relationships include accepting incompatibilities, externalizing the problem, expressing soft emotions, and learning to regulate strong emotions. Since we have talked about a lot of techniques, we have created a table of these and other conflict management techniques here. This list is a helpful reminder of the various skills you can use in managing conflict.